How I understand it all. (1)

My personal ethnic and racial heritage is African American, Now I have met many blacks whom choose to only Identify as being black. simply because they were not born in Africa nor have any direct ties to Africa. ex my best friend is Nigerian her father is from Nigeria and her mother is black (her roots like most blacks comes from the south then travel north) so she is considered technically African American. This divide has happened during slavery after first generation slaves from African had American born black children they weren't considered African. But I consider myself as such because the blood of those African slaves are my dependence and although many other black people due to race relations and attitudes between American blacks and Africans as well Caribbean Blacks some choose to only Identify as Black Americans Not African Americans. A petty tiff if you ask me. But if you wanna get technical aren't we all African Americans seeing as thought all humans descended from Africa? I first became aware of issues concerning race during early childhood. I came from a household of strong morals and I think as children my parents tried not to really discuss certain serious matter in front of us. But I was always aware that I was black and I felt no kinda way about it. I didn't feel bad nor did I know enough to be Proud I was a kid. And I think children are innocent allowing them to be most colorblind like but like human nature when people are angry we become hateful so I remember growing up in a project housing in Buffalo new York and once children were upset with one another the name calling was bar none. Polish, Italian, purtorician, black and other would just dig into each other. Especially the other black children against each other oh the hate would just be vicious often resulting in the parents making the two children fight. lol insults like "African booty scratchier" "Tar baby" "Nappy head" As for the Lighter skin blacks "Light bright" "White" etc etc. But as I got older And discussed race from school to home I began to understand where the hate came from the self hate both external and internal. Now my mothers family are from the south. she grew up part her life down south with her grandmother then the majority of her life in New york city. But both her and her side of the family see race differently based on many traumatic experiences living in the south during the 1950's majority of them for this reason alone migrated to New York. Now many have sense retired and gone back but when ever we discuss race it comes more so from a ambiguous place depending on the story they are telling. Sometimes they sound happy they were able to stand up to a white person but then there are other stories where they were also put in positions where they had to be submissive to a white person due to fear. But my family overall is a mixed bag because my father who is fairly light skin (he's gotten darker over the years due to drinking) his family is from comes from Midwest all migrated to new york state (Buffalo NY or New york city) and his family is filled with American Indians, blacks, light skinned blacks who look white and actual white people. My mom always said his family was "Color struck" meaning they wanted only light skin blacks or whites in their family. My mother is dark skin. I always felt loved and accepted by the side of my dads family I have known all my life. My grandfather has been married to My grandmother Joan who is Jewish since a lil after I was born. After the death of my biological grandmother whom I never met. I love my Grandmother Joan dearly. When we are out in public for family affairs she is accepted. We all love her. And she love us.

My family all across the board had educated me on being proud to be black not being apologetic for my culture Accepting myself for who Iam. My Nana (my moms mother) has always been militant, honory and above all she seeks respect. Now at times I feel she may overreacts, but I think its the time she has lived in and on top of that coming from the south. She has let it be know that she doesn't prefer us to interracial date specifically the men in our family. This is her preference My older sister and I also feel the same. I do not consider this racist because My feelings on this matter aren't based in hate at all.(subject for another blog perhaps) But my family has always tried to insteal in us to not be ashamed or be made to feel inferior because we are black but to understand that there are people that want you to feel less then both black and white but to not be discourage because thought our faith all things are possible. But my father on the other hand who has had several white family member as well as white friends "Drinking buddies" I can remember him having a hard time at a job or having lost out on a job opportunity and getting drunk making reference to "The white man" I would always think well what white man specifically is making you loose several jobs? but as I got older I began to read up on issues of race both in high school and college. I had watched Alex Haley's Roots the entire made for TV saga several times in my life so I understand the pressure the Black man feels. But I also learned that you cant make excuses for your shortcoming and balm it on race. It all stems back from the painful traumatic past of slavery and allot of race relations do here in America anyhow. I think my parents did a great job teaching us about race relations. Especially in comparison to other blacks I know. Where their parent told them that you cant do this or that because your black. My parents have never drawn those kinds of racial lines for me. My mother or father never did not allow me to listen to certain types of music. Or wear my hair a certain way or speak a certain way they always encouraged me to not be hateful. I as a child had white friends and Spanish friends. And although we prefer the men in our family not to date white woman we have done nothing to stop them from doing so. Both my brother and Nephew have been in interracial relationships (Chinese and Italian)in which my family respects. (We all actually like the girls) But my mother would now prefer these woman to be christian lol. Has my views on race and ethnicity changed overtime yes. I have gained a deeper understanding on how things have gotten to where they are. Both I and my family as a whole have our preferences and feelings towards certain situations but overall our preferences aren't steeped in hatred which make them justifiable. And I always say this "You have a right to feel any way you want to feel. You may not be justified. But you still have that right" look at me quoting myself. lol What prompted these changes was the diversity that has always surrounded me. My family and living in Buffalo New York and frequent visits to NYC. I have always wanted to know more and how to prevent myself from becoming as ignorant as others I have have encounted. I was always intrested in how they have come to think and act this way. What where some of thier exsperiance?

Yes I have both experienced and witnessed instances of racism. I have seen people I associate with whom are very outspoken and fun. Who can stand up to anybody in the hood mainly because its a familiar setting but then I have also seen then put into a different setting and sen them act inferior to a white person who is blatantly disrespecting them. And it hurts to see a strong person belittled all because they have no pride in themselves they weren't taught to have no pride. Somehow the often times unspoken lesson of black=inferiority was taught to them. The same way the unspoken lesson of white=superiority is taught to others. Either way both lessons are lies. I have been discriminated against based on little things such as how I wear my hair. I have worn cornrows (braids going back in a rows) and have been talked too and treated as if I'm unintelligent or I guess the person assumed I'm "ghetto"versus in a long straight weave.(these are the things that make black people more so aware of race then others. Because its not just our skin its internal as well as external) I have learned the more aspects of race and ethnicity you study I have began to realize its not so black and white. Also that everything is cause and effect so racism and hatred from within and without can be cured through knowledge of people. People learning about other people. I'm glad to say I grew up with a Jewish Grandmother who has fed me matzo with cheese and fish and who has also eaten neck bones and greens with me. I'm happy to say that I my parents played berry white as well as hall n oats in my house. I'm more then happy to say my mom has sported a Afro most her life but has also worn a weave. I'm proud to say I speak intelligently but also speak fluent Ebonics depending on the crowd I'm with. I have lived in both the hood, the projects and suburbs. I feel like all of these things have made me a better person. the people I have met, some in consider friends, family foes I'm glad to have experience them all. I took away from all those situations and each of those living conditions what I needed and left behind the other things that aren't as productive to my life. *James brown voice* "I'm black and I'm proud."